Why Christian Women Have Marriage and Communication Problems:
5. Not Enough Sex
what if wife has been sexually abused in the past for a few years and she feels like if she doesn’t want to have sex she shouldn’t. especially when time spent together with the husband is full of silence, no conversation (unless he wants to talk about something that she totally could care less about), no thought into special occasions, but always wants wife to be as sexy as she can be when he’s ready? doesn’t she deserve, as a wife, things that she wants? Meaning, shouldn’t he warm up to wife daily so that he won’t have to ask for it?
I am not a marriage counselor, so the information I’m sharing will be more resources than advice.
First of all, sexual abuse is a horrible thing. I myself was sexually abused by a peer at an early age and it brought on a lot of shame, anger, insecurity, and self-hate. I thought I was to blame. Then it opened up something in me that caused me to become promiscuous. The problem with this is that my husband had to deal with my baggage from the sexual abuse and the string of failed relationships. I was angry, bitter, and confused. The crazy thing was I told my husband everything before we got married so I thought I was okay. But there were still emotional ties. I really had to deal with this. Let’s address this issue first. It’s not the wife’s fault that she was abused. Also, it’s not the husband’s fault that the wife was abused so he shouldn’t suffer because of this. I suggest that the wife:
1) Pray and ask God to heal her
2) Pray about talking to her husband because he needs to understand why she may be reluctant to have sex
3) Recognize that it’s not your fault that you were abused
4) Receive love from God. For so many years I had a relationship with God, but didn’t know how much He loved me. I took about a year to study on the love of God and it really helped me and set me free from a victim mentality, and insecurity. It also helped me to know that regardless of what I’ve done or been involved in God still loves me. I recommend reading a few books to grow in this area:
Tell Them That I Love Them by Joyce Meyer
Beauty for Ashes by Joyce Meyer (overcoming sexual abuse)
The Love Languages of God by Gary Chapman
5) Understand that you are valuable and worth being healed from your past because God loves you and wants you to be whole.
6) Healing is not an overnight process, but as you continue to press into God by learning more about Him and thanking Him for even the small steps to recovery, you will see change.
As far as the husband is concerned, one thing we must realize is that men are extremely visual and physical. As a husband, he deserves to make love to his wife when he wants. It can keep him from temptation. (1 Corinthians 7:3-5). But on the other hand, this is where the communication comes in. If you share with him in the right way and at the right time that there was sexual abuse, he may understand. You also may need to explain to him that you do want to have sex, but you’re dealing with some issues. You can’t deprive your husband, but maybe you can consider finding ways to work up to sex. Touching, holding, and other things that make you comfortable about having sex. I’ve been through this too, so I understand. Also, it’s important to understand how your husband as a man ticks. They are so much different from us. Sex is physical for them, but for us it’s emotional. Sometimes you have to press past the emotion and the “feeling” of wanting to do it will come.
One book I recommend reading about his is:
“For Women Only” by Shaunti Feldhahn
Lastly, although your husband may need to change in some areas, I recommend doing your part with God’s help. Focus on what you can do and then allow God to deal with him. I will be praying for this wife and thanks so much for sharing.
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